Oh. Hello. I went into this film expecting to hate it. Partly because the Dastolis once told me that if I watched all their movies, but only watched the trailer to this, I would still be considered as having seen all their movies (they said the same of Divination, but please, one disaster at a time). The movie is about a Russian guy who wants to hold the world for ransom with stolen weapons, but since Russia sucks at the time, he decides to even up the playing field by killing all the British and American spies in the world. This is a pretty great plan. The plan works perfectly, except for one thing. Nobody kills Alec Price (James Dastoli).

The first thing most people will say when watching this movie is that Alec Price, British secret agent, suspiciously has no British accent. But the Dastolis have brilliantly worked around this minute detail by changing the accents of everyone in the movie who is not British. For example, Jaques Bouvure (Dave Landes) speaks English, but he does so quite ridiculously, so he must be French. And CIA Agent John Sherman uses a smart-alecky, informal swagger (one not uncommon to real-life Robert Dastoli), delineating himself as American.

As indicated in the previous sentence, Sherman is portrayed by Robert Dastoli, who, in real life, is identical to James Dastoli. This is an ingenius touch, as it speaks volumes about the parallelism between America and Britain. In addition, it makes a genius point about how Americans wear hats and scarves at all times, and British people don't. Together, the Dastolis also portray a handful of evil Russians, including various henchmen, making a statement about how politics and sheer strength of will can lead seemingly equal men down countless different walks of life. As we will observe in their later works, this was only the beginning of the Dastolis' sharp social commentary.

Tom Berry, who portrays The Comrade/Minister, Various Guards, Soldiers, Henchmen, Sniper, Dimitri, Bellhop, and James Redding, delivers the worst collective performance in the world. If he weren't the director/writer/producer/production designer/costume designer/casting director/whatever the hell else, he would never have landed all these plum roles. I was actually longing for the comedic stylings* of Donny Copeland, except he was killed within the first 5 minutes, which, at the time, I had enjoyed. Berry's only saving grace is his turn as the hilarious Bellhop, who Price should have killed thousands of times.

*= may not include actual comedy or style.

The choreography in this piece ranges from horrendous to amazing. For example, the fight scene where spy killer Crimson (the masked Robert Dastoli) is killing James Redding (the insufferable Tom Berry) should have been instantly satisfying, because, as the previous paragraph should indicate, I very much wanted Tom Berry to die. But the action in this scene is terrible. I've seen Rock'em Sock'em Robots with better fight choreography. However, later on, when John Sherman gets shot by a sniper, Robert Dastoli performs a spin fall worthy of John Woo (if slowed down and enhanced with flying doves). The battle that ensues is also phenomenal, but nothing beats Alec Price's epic slugfest with the aforementioned spy killer Crimson. I won't reveal who wins, but let's just say it's Alec Price.

I'll pause this review for a second to explain something to famous director John Singleton: See? Even 15-year-olds making their first movie ever know enough to take the bad guy's gun after you kill him, for there will invariably be more bad guys to shoot. And they will have infinite ammunition. And so you see, even the most accomplished directors always have something yet to learn.

Speaking of which.

The sound in Smiert Spionam is atrocious, and the coverage they achieve with their camera work is atrocious, with some occasionally well-thought out shots. The Dastolis had never shot anything before in their lives, and they killed the camera they were using halfway through production, so at least we can appreciate that.

I am also glad that this movie came along before the Dastolis learned to edit. Because it provides us with several drawn-out moments where we follow as Price strolls through the hallways of REAL hotels, walking past such things as REAL limousines, sprinkling credibility to a story that just saw the infiltration and destruction of... Tom Berry's house. Inadvertently, they discover a precious element rarely seen in modern action films-- following the introspective hero around hotel hallways in real time without having it contribute to the narrative in the slightest.

The main charm of this movie is in how devoted it is to itself. The Dastolis never allow themselves to have fun on screen, or at any time while on the set, for that matter. Filmmaking for them is a torturous, pained experience that drives them stark raving ballistic every second they are awake. And yet, they must never allow themselves to waiver. Because they know what they are doing-- even in Smiert Spionam, where they clearly don't.

I asked Robert and James to each provide a word on Smiert Spionam:

ROBERT:

"Smiert Spionam basically follows the same structure and included the same elements as SPECTRE of the Future, which could be considered our first "movie" if you really think about it. This makes perfect sense of course because Smiert Spionam was basically meant to be a James Bond fanfilm with James Bond's name being changed. There were a lot of elements that we wanted to get in there that would have made it more like a James Bond film, some of which we got to do in Under the Gun and Evasive Maneuvers, which shows why Smiert Spionam was such a good film to "have started it all," as it is so clearly a building block in every sense."

JAMES:

"Smiert Spionam layed the ground work for every action sequence we've ever done, and probably will ever do. The spirit of the Gagne films goes right back to the days of Alec Price."

Indeed, I totally agree. And I will end this review by sharing my favorite parts of the movie. Aside from the stupid Bellhop, the long moments in the hotel hallways, and Alec Price's reaction when he crushes his fist on Crimson's face, I will say that I derived a great deal of enjoyment from reading the Smiert Spionam script and coming across moments such as this:

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MINISTER
Hands Alec a piece of paper
This is where the meeting place is, be there tomorrow at 3:00. And until we have word from James, watch out for the assassin that killed Sean. Good luck Alec.

{The death of James will be here}

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A not entierly unworthy beginning.